The One I Feed

Throughout my church attending career there has been a quote that has stood out among all the others and that I try to live. I really wish I could say who said it or the circumstances but all I remember is that a older gentleman is talking to a small boy and he says to the small boy "Inside me I have two beasts, one that wishes to do evil and one that wishes to do good, and they fight continually." The boy frightened responds "Which one will win?" The older gentleman looks down to the boy and responds "The one I feed."

Sometimes I feel that I could have a mental illness if only I would go see a doctor to tell me so. I've chosen not to do that because I've felt that I can handle whatever my mind can dish out. Nevertheless I have found that this quote to be very true as to what comes and stays in the forefront of my mind. Often I will feel overwhelmed with my own sense of inadequacy and I can remember with perfect clarity (if I have one gift from the Lord it is my memory) a number of horrible things I've done. Ranging from the theft of some candy when I was a kid (I didn't think it was stealing at the time, it's a long story but any child wouldn't think it was stealing), the way I broke up with an old girlfriend and finally to the evil thoughts I have concerning the things I want to do as a form of vengeance toward my latest enemy. I'm overcome with feelings that I am not a good person and I also feel the hopelessness that for the most part there is nothing more I can do to remedy the situation. When I get feeling like this I have to choose which beast I am going to feed. The one that leads to depression, or the one that will glaze over it and give me a sense -if only fictitious- of overall well being.